The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
