mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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