I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
