the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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