You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
