I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
