Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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