Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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