I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize