I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
