I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
