I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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