What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
