Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
