Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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