Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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