So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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