theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
