and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
