woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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