It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
