Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
