So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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