Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
