Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
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It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
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the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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