I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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