My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
