Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
