There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize