She is in my trunk
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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