Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
