i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
