the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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