he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
