i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
