how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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