Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
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I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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