he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
