i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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