My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
