she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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