Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
