That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i think i just lost a toe
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
