Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
