"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
