I must be too annoying 4 u.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
