Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
