I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
