Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize