If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
