I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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