My underwear smells like fireworks.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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