3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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